extremely cool spider hole
randomly ran into ms. jenkins!
self portrait
-mg
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Friday, May 13, 2011
SPOP Photoshoot
Last summer, I organized a photoshoot for people in SPOP who were interested in modeling or photographing. It was my first time styling and photographing models, but it ended up being extremely fun. I realize that I never really did anything with the photos I took, so I thought I'd dedicate this post to them. I don't think any of the models we had had modeled before and most of the styling and clothing was my own...it was very grassroots, but certainly a fun start. Enjoy.
extremely cool spider hole
randomly ran into ms. jenkins!
self portrait
-mg
extremely cool spider hole
randomly ran into ms. jenkins!
self portrait
-mg
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Evaluation
Reeeeally interesting talk with a close friend tonight. Made me think a lot about the world and a ton about myself. Got a lot of thinking left to do.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I'm Sorry
When it happened, I was wearing blue shorts, yellow shoes, and an orange bra. The colorful hue of my outfit was no match for the darkness I would soon inject into someone's life.
We wanted to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, Albertson's to get some snacks, and finally Yogurtland for a late-night dessert. Yogurtland turned into Thai Iced Tea from Cha and an exchange of high school stories and giggles with Katie.
We were driving home, the music was loud, and a tiny bunny pounced across the dimly lit road. I swerved and my heart stopped.
It's happened before. I always go back to ensure that no damage was done. "We have to go back," I screamed. We turned around and retraced our tire marks. And within a few seconds, I saw it, lying dead in the middle of the road. Immediately, I couldn't feel my senses. All I could feel was the instant grief and pain of taking someone's life. A flood of tears. A downpour of regret.
Maybe if I did something differently it would be OK. Maybe if we'd gotten Yogurtland as we'd originally planned. Maybe if I didn't stop for that yellow light in the beginning. Maybe if the music was quieter or a different song was playing. All I can do is wonder that if I'd done something slightly different, that bunny would still be alive. I have never been met with this much pain toward something that has always been my guiding light -- nature.
When I saw the bunny, we parked on the side of the road while I cried for a few minutes and Katie sat and listened, comfortingly. I knew I had to apologize or the wound wouldn't mend. I toiled with the idea, wondering if the image of the dead rabbit would scar me forever. Then I scoffed at myself for even considering relieving my own suffering when something just died because of me. I left the car and walked into the street to meet the stranger. Apologized and cried over its small, lifeless body. Touched its foot and said my goodbyes. Walked back to the car and drove home in silence.
I watched a video yesterday about how we perceive reality. It said that humans perceive reality within our minds. We make things real because we perceive them to be so. But all that is real is the force that guides everything around us. And the only way to be part of that force is to separate ourselves from our egos -- the will to want something from everything. Even if the "something" is small, like hoping to be portrayed as a nice person for saying "thank you" and "please." I understand that and I can feel that notion. But when I hit that bunny, I felt detached from everything. I'm not sure if it was good or bad, but I knew that my sadness and tears weren't forced or because I hoped for something in return. They were reflexes of my spirit, pouring over the idea of taking the life of something that didn't deserve to die.
My eyes still sting, and the bunny died about 15 minutes ago. I hope it's happy wherever it is. I hope it has met the pervading force of the universe. Diffusing through everything. Living on in the spirit and unity of the world.
We wanted to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, Albertson's to get some snacks, and finally Yogurtland for a late-night dessert. Yogurtland turned into Thai Iced Tea from Cha and an exchange of high school stories and giggles with Katie.
We were driving home, the music was loud, and a tiny bunny pounced across the dimly lit road. I swerved and my heart stopped.
It's happened before. I always go back to ensure that no damage was done. "We have to go back," I screamed. We turned around and retraced our tire marks. And within a few seconds, I saw it, lying dead in the middle of the road. Immediately, I couldn't feel my senses. All I could feel was the instant grief and pain of taking someone's life. A flood of tears. A downpour of regret.
Maybe if I did something differently it would be OK. Maybe if we'd gotten Yogurtland as we'd originally planned. Maybe if I didn't stop for that yellow light in the beginning. Maybe if the music was quieter or a different song was playing. All I can do is wonder that if I'd done something slightly different, that bunny would still be alive. I have never been met with this much pain toward something that has always been my guiding light -- nature.
When I saw the bunny, we parked on the side of the road while I cried for a few minutes and Katie sat and listened, comfortingly. I knew I had to apologize or the wound wouldn't mend. I toiled with the idea, wondering if the image of the dead rabbit would scar me forever. Then I scoffed at myself for even considering relieving my own suffering when something just died because of me. I left the car and walked into the street to meet the stranger. Apologized and cried over its small, lifeless body. Touched its foot and said my goodbyes. Walked back to the car and drove home in silence.
I watched a video yesterday about how we perceive reality. It said that humans perceive reality within our minds. We make things real because we perceive them to be so. But all that is real is the force that guides everything around us. And the only way to be part of that force is to separate ourselves from our egos -- the will to want something from everything. Even if the "something" is small, like hoping to be portrayed as a nice person for saying "thank you" and "please." I understand that and I can feel that notion. But when I hit that bunny, I felt detached from everything. I'm not sure if it was good or bad, but I knew that my sadness and tears weren't forced or because I hoped for something in return. They were reflexes of my spirit, pouring over the idea of taking the life of something that didn't deserve to die.
My eyes still sting, and the bunny died about 15 minutes ago. I hope it's happy wherever it is. I hope it has met the pervading force of the universe. Diffusing through everything. Living on in the spirit and unity of the world.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Reality
Preface: I just re-read the entry below and none of my thoughts flow into the next one. Be prepared for a pretty scattered mess of ideas...Ready, set, go!
I've been thinking more about reality, consciousness, and illusions more this week than I think I ever have in my life. I remember when I was a lot younger, maybe around 10 or so, I would stare at myself in the mirror without focusing until my features and expression started to blend and morph into a person I didn't recognize. If you've never done that, then I recommend trying it. I don't remember why I started doing it...perhaps I was just randomly staring at my reflection and soon felt like I was looking at a different person. But in any case, whenever I saw someone else staring back at me, I wondered about what that person's life would be like or who they might be if they were real. Of course, none of these people actually existed and I only saw them because I let my vision blur a little bit. Sometimes I saw my relatives, other times I saw images that were really frightening and caused me to refocus my vision immediately on the comforting image of my own face that had been there all along. But everything I've been thinking about recently has reminded me of this story. Maybe it is simply that I'm skewing my vision to see these varying reflections...but what if it's not? I'm growing really interested in the concepts of hallucinations and illusions.
What does it mean to be real? And similarly, what does it mean to have a "soul" as humans are often considered to possess. Does it mean that we can communicate and feel? Does it mean that we can love or have a sense of "self"?
Could a robot have a soul?
What if that robot was taught how to speak and respond to english? What if they were also taught emotions, like being sad or happy? And what if they could grow attached to something, or fall in love? Then would they have a soul? Does an insect have a soul? A plant? Where do we really draw the line?
Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Actually, not sometimes, most of the time. But then I battle with the word "existence" and what that even means. What does it mean to even be "existing" or "alive"? Am I more alive than the carpet on the floor? Why? What does that even mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an illusion of my own mind...If each of our minds are God and that we each create our own realities in our heads. Maybe we're only really awake when we're sleeping. Maybe not ever.
I was in my Religious Studies discussion the other day and we were talking about the theory of evolution. I listened slightly to what people were saying, but then I started looking around the room and noticed that almost EVERYONE was itching, picking at a scab, tapping their feet, rubbing their legs or arms, or doing SOMETHING to their bodies. They reminded me of monkeys. They looked like monkeys picking at bugs in their fur. It was a really eery feeling, especially given the topic we were discussing.
Next, why do things sometimes fall the way they do? Like when you're just watching TV and a book falls off a shelf near you. And that book was set on that shelf over a year ago and you haven't touched it since. Was it moving extremely slightly during that entire year until it finally fell? Or was it something else? I had a paddle propped on my desk a couple months ago and it rested there silently for months and then one day it just slid off and knocked a bunch of things off with it. I hadn't touched the paddle or my desk.
Last thought...does anyone ever get a feeling that you're not alone? It's a really weird feeling that I get sometimes. I don't mean in the alien kind of way. I mean in the kind of way where you'll be brushing your teeth in the bathroom by yourself or sitting in your bedroom reading a book alone and your ears ring a little and for some reason you can almost feel something around you. It's really freaking weird. I feel like this happens to most poeple.
I think I'm going crazy.
I've been thinking more about reality, consciousness, and illusions more this week than I think I ever have in my life. I remember when I was a lot younger, maybe around 10 or so, I would stare at myself in the mirror without focusing until my features and expression started to blend and morph into a person I didn't recognize. If you've never done that, then I recommend trying it. I don't remember why I started doing it...perhaps I was just randomly staring at my reflection and soon felt like I was looking at a different person. But in any case, whenever I saw someone else staring back at me, I wondered about what that person's life would be like or who they might be if they were real. Of course, none of these people actually existed and I only saw them because I let my vision blur a little bit. Sometimes I saw my relatives, other times I saw images that were really frightening and caused me to refocus my vision immediately on the comforting image of my own face that had been there all along. But everything I've been thinking about recently has reminded me of this story. Maybe it is simply that I'm skewing my vision to see these varying reflections...but what if it's not? I'm growing really interested in the concepts of hallucinations and illusions.
What does it mean to be real? And similarly, what does it mean to have a "soul" as humans are often considered to possess. Does it mean that we can communicate and feel? Does it mean that we can love or have a sense of "self"?
Could a robot have a soul?
What if that robot was taught how to speak and respond to english? What if they were also taught emotions, like being sad or happy? And what if they could grow attached to something, or fall in love? Then would they have a soul? Does an insect have a soul? A plant? Where do we really draw the line?
Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Actually, not sometimes, most of the time. But then I battle with the word "existence" and what that even means. What does it mean to even be "existing" or "alive"? Am I more alive than the carpet on the floor? Why? What does that even mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an illusion of my own mind...If each of our minds are God and that we each create our own realities in our heads. Maybe we're only really awake when we're sleeping. Maybe not ever.
I was in my Religious Studies discussion the other day and we were talking about the theory of evolution. I listened slightly to what people were saying, but then I started looking around the room and noticed that almost EVERYONE was itching, picking at a scab, tapping their feet, rubbing their legs or arms, or doing SOMETHING to their bodies. They reminded me of monkeys. They looked like monkeys picking at bugs in their fur. It was a really eery feeling, especially given the topic we were discussing.
Next, why do things sometimes fall the way they do? Like when you're just watching TV and a book falls off a shelf near you. And that book was set on that shelf over a year ago and you haven't touched it since. Was it moving extremely slightly during that entire year until it finally fell? Or was it something else? I had a paddle propped on my desk a couple months ago and it rested there silently for months and then one day it just slid off and knocked a bunch of things off with it. I hadn't touched the paddle or my desk.
Last thought...does anyone ever get a feeling that you're not alone? It's a really weird feeling that I get sometimes. I don't mean in the alien kind of way. I mean in the kind of way where you'll be brushing your teeth in the bathroom by yourself or sitting in your bedroom reading a book alone and your ears ring a little and for some reason you can almost feel something around you. It's really freaking weird. I feel like this happens to most poeple.
I think I'm going crazy.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Sailing Away
I like to collect greeting cards. I think it's really interesting and cool how a few words tied to some graphics can speak bounds about certain topics...love, tragedy, celebrations, and everything in between. I remember a card I bought back in high school that had a haunting illustration of a ship at sea with the words "horizons change" on the front and "so do we" inscribed inside. It was my favorite card for awhile and I'm pretty sure I ended up giving it to my now ex-boyfriend for our anniversary or something (It didn't really have anything to do with our anniversary, but the card was special to me so I thought it would be better than a cheesy anniversary card, even though it seemed like a breakup card now that I think about it).
Anyway...I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and my surroundings and how drastically each of those things has changed in the past few years. My entire life and perspective have changed incredibly in the past 6-12 months. I try to ponder where the turning point was...what exactly made my views change on certain entities, people, and organizations. Usually I can pinpoint a moment or time when the fork in the road was born, but now I am not so sure. I'm not sad, maybe just a little confused. Actually, I am sad. Only because now I feel like I have to watch a lot of really great people go through the same experiences I have. Sometimes I wonder if they'll come out of it alive, wondering the same things I am. Or maybe they'll get caught too far into the riptide and drown. That's what scares me most. To me, everyone's drowning. To everyone else, they're just splashing around and I'm walking off a plank. Ah well, 6 more weeks and this will all be over (I hope).
Anyway...I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and my surroundings and how drastically each of those things has changed in the past few years. My entire life and perspective have changed incredibly in the past 6-12 months. I try to ponder where the turning point was...what exactly made my views change on certain entities, people, and organizations. Usually I can pinpoint a moment or time when the fork in the road was born, but now I am not so sure. I'm not sad, maybe just a little confused. Actually, I am sad. Only because now I feel like I have to watch a lot of really great people go through the same experiences I have. Sometimes I wonder if they'll come out of it alive, wondering the same things I am. Or maybe they'll get caught too far into the riptide and drown. That's what scares me most. To me, everyone's drowning. To everyone else, they're just splashing around and I'm walking off a plank. Ah well, 6 more weeks and this will all be over (I hope).
Saturday, March 27, 2010
damn...
Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you realize once again that you have no idea what you want to do with your life.
I'm bad at that -- making important decisions that will impact me forever. I like to take things each day with few plans, just kind of being able to see where things take me. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to decide, to figure out your place, your contribution to society, the legacy that you'll leave behind. Maybe I'm less concerned with leaving a mark on the world or making my name something to remember. I want to take one small step at a time, breathe in everything around me, and do things everyday that are new and majestic. I can't imagine being tied down to a career forever. Who creates these standards? Why do we keep following them?
And it's scaring me now that I only have about a year of college left and once that year is over...nothing. That's the point where I'm supposed to pick what I'm going to begin doing forever, or at least for a little while. I don't think grad school is the best idea when you don't have any ideas. I wish there was never this pressure to find one thing and stick with it. Wouldn't we all be happier doing a medley of things that surprise us? That are fresh and that we have the ability to learn from everyday?
I'm bad at that -- making important decisions that will impact me forever. I like to take things each day with few plans, just kind of being able to see where things take me. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to decide, to figure out your place, your contribution to society, the legacy that you'll leave behind. Maybe I'm less concerned with leaving a mark on the world or making my name something to remember. I want to take one small step at a time, breathe in everything around me, and do things everyday that are new and majestic. I can't imagine being tied down to a career forever. Who creates these standards? Why do we keep following them?
And it's scaring me now that I only have about a year of college left and once that year is over...nothing. That's the point where I'm supposed to pick what I'm going to begin doing forever, or at least for a little while. I don't think grad school is the best idea when you don't have any ideas. I wish there was never this pressure to find one thing and stick with it. Wouldn't we all be happier doing a medley of things that surprise us? That are fresh and that we have the ability to learn from everyday?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)