Contemplative

Not sure what it is, but these past few days I've felt very "contemplative." I put that in quotations because I feel like it used to be a "mood" option on Myspace so it doesn't seem like a real mood to me anymore. I don't know what it is...maybe it's that SPOP apps came out yesterday and the thought of soon meeting hundreds of amazing people and choosing a staff of less than 150 has me nervous, questioning how intuitive my judgment really is. Or maybe it's the MLK Jr. symposium that's been going on this week -- reminding me that my peers and I have so much work to do in our world and for each other and forcing me to re-evaluate my whiteness and what that means to me and the people around me. And if it's not those, maybe it's my constant inner battle with being in the greek community, knowing that I have strong morals and values, but typically being too afraid to wear anything greek affiliated for fear of being instantly labeled and shoved into a mess of crappy stereotypes. If not those, maybe it's the fact that I'm applying to be an RA and I want the position so so badly, but realize how competitive it is and can only hope I can convey my passion for mentoring freshmen through an application/potential interview. Not that? Maybe it's how god damn much I think about things. Like when I see someone open a door for them-self but not look behind them to see if anyone is soon to follow so that they can hold the door open a little longer for the person right behind them instead of slamming the door in their face. I notice little things that people do, good and bad, every day, and it swells my brain thinking about why they do certain things, and if they care.

Some things on my mind right now that are bugging me out of the blue that I need to write down:

1. I heard someone refer to their friend as their "gay best friend" recently. The person that said it was one of my closest friends and it irked me so much but I didn't know what to say. I'm annoyed by that phrase because it makes them seem like less of a friend and more of a commodity, and mad at myself for not saying anything.

2. I HATE when women in sororities use the saying "panhellenic love" to describe being friends with women in other sororities. First of all, it's sad and pathetic that such a phrase has to exist. If we all loved each other in the first place, it'd just be real love. It's like "gay best friend," it turns a real world like love or best friend into something materialistic and stupid. Love should be love, there aren't variations of it.

3. The fact that I don't really know where I stand with race. Not that I don't know how I feel about people of other races -- I love them, that's not my point. I mean that I don't know my purpose with it. I've been taking a lot more classes and going to a lot more things as of late that have to do with race and the subjugation of certain races...pretty much everyone except white people. And I keep hearing that the worst thing white people can do is sit back and do nothing and I don't know where I stand. I'm trying to educate myself about everything, but do people think that I'm just sitting back? Maybe they do. That scares me.

It is at this point in my post that I would normally re-read everything I just wrote and then promptly erase it all, like I never said it. I'm not going to re-read it this time.