I'm Sorry

When it happened, I was wearing blue shorts, yellow shoes, and an orange bra. The colorful hue of my outfit was no match for the darkness I would soon inject into someone's life.

We wanted to go to Blockbuster to rent a movie, Albertson's to get some snacks, and finally Yogurtland for a late-night dessert. Yogurtland turned into Thai Iced Tea from Cha and an exchange of high school stories and giggles with Katie.

We were driving home, the music was loud, and a tiny bunny pounced across the dimly lit road. I swerved and my heart stopped.
It's happened before. I always go back to ensure that no damage was done. "We have to go back," I screamed. We turned around and retraced our tire marks. And within a few seconds, I saw it, lying dead in the middle of the road. Immediately, I couldn't feel my senses. All I could feel was the instant grief and pain of taking someone's life. A flood of tears. A downpour of regret.

Maybe if I did something differently it would be OK. Maybe if we'd gotten Yogurtland as we'd originally planned. Maybe if I didn't stop for that yellow light in the beginning. Maybe if the music was quieter or a different song was playing. All I can do is wonder that if I'd done something slightly different, that bunny would still be alive. I have never been met with this much pain toward something that has always been my guiding light -- nature.

When I saw the bunny, we parked on the side of the road while I cried for a few minutes and Katie sat and listened, comfortingly. I knew I had to apologize or the wound wouldn't mend. I toiled with the idea, wondering if the image of the dead rabbit would scar me forever. Then I scoffed at myself for even considering relieving my own suffering when something just died because of me. I left the car and walked into the street to meet the stranger. Apologized and cried over its small, lifeless body. Touched its foot and said my goodbyes. Walked back to the car and drove home in silence.


I watched a video yesterday about how we perceive reality. It said that humans perceive reality within our minds. We make things real because we perceive them to be so. But all that is real is the force that guides everything around us. And the only way to be part of that force is to separate ourselves from our egos -- the will to want something from everything. Even if the "something" is small, like hoping to be portrayed as a nice person for saying "thank you" and "please." I understand that and I can feel that notion. But when I hit that bunny, I felt detached from everything. I'm not sure if it was good or bad, but I knew that my sadness and tears weren't forced or because I hoped for something in return. They were reflexes of my spirit, pouring over the idea of taking the life of something that didn't deserve to die.

My eyes still sting, and the bunny died about 15 minutes ago. I hope it's happy wherever it is. I hope it has met the pervading force of the universe. Diffusing through everything. Living on in the spirit and unity of the world.

Peace

To reflect back on this past school year means to think about a period of the most happiness and most adversity I've faced at UCI thus far. I feel like my life has just been floating on a bubble for awhile. I was happy there, floating along. But in the past week, I have put in my two week's notice at a job I worked at for almost five years and have deactivated from a sorority that I was involved in for three. I also realized how happy it makes me that my ex-boyfriend went to and brought a date (I think) to his fraternity's formal this past weekend. A year ago, the thought of those three things would have shoved me into a mental abyss. Now, I feel free, not lost. My "path" may be as blank as it was when I started college, but it's fresher than ever.

I had a dream last night that I was floating. But rather than floating on a bubble like I used to feel, I was traveling with the winds. Not flying, but letting the breeze take my body wherever it sailed. I can still feel the butterflies it gave me as I was sleeping. Sometimes I feel like dreams are just allegories, metaphors, symbols to describe what we really are inside.

"Don't underestimate the value of doing nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering."
-A.A. Milne

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery; none but ourselves can free our minds."
-Bob Marley

"Learning to let go should be learned before learning to get. Life should be touched, not strangled. You’ve got to relax, let it happen at times, and at others move forward with it."
-Ray Bradbury
(this quote stolen from Arda's Facebook)

Bliss

Hanging out with my best friend since 9th grade and being reminded of the natural euphoria that exists in each of us, waiting to slip into real life.

This weekend has actually been really great overall. Really great. And I had an important dream last night. All good. An unmasking of sorts.

I'm happy.

Reality

Preface: I just re-read the entry below and none of my thoughts flow into the next one. Be prepared for a pretty scattered mess of ideas...Ready, set, go!

I've been thinking more about reality, consciousness, and illusions more this week than I think I ever have in my life. I remember when I was a lot younger, maybe around 10 or so, I would stare at myself in the mirror without focusing until my features and expression started to blend and morph into a person I didn't recognize. If you've never done that, then I recommend trying it. I don't remember why I started doing it...perhaps I was just randomly staring at my reflection and soon felt like I was looking at a different person. But in any case, whenever I saw someone else staring back at me, I wondered about what that person's life would be like or who they might be if they were real. Of course, none of these people actually existed and I only saw them because I let my vision blur a little bit. Sometimes I saw my relatives, other times I saw images that were really frightening and caused me to refocus my vision immediately on the comforting image of my own face that had been there all along. But everything I've been thinking about recently has reminded me of this story. Maybe it is simply that I'm skewing my vision to see these varying reflections...but what if it's not? I'm growing really interested in the concepts of hallucinations and illusions.

What does it mean to be real? And similarly, what does it mean to have a "soul" as humans are often considered to possess. Does it mean that we can communicate and feel? Does it mean that we can love or have a sense of "self"?
Could a robot have a soul?
What if that robot was taught how to speak and respond to english? What if they were also taught emotions, like being sad or happy? And what if they could grow attached to something, or fall in love? Then would they have a soul? Does an insect have a soul? A plant? Where do we really draw the line?

Sometimes I feel like I don't exist. Actually, not sometimes, most of the time. But then I battle with the word "existence" and what that even means. What does it mean to even be "existing" or "alive"? Am I more alive than the carpet on the floor? Why? What does that even mean? Sometimes I wonder if I'm just an illusion of my own mind...If each of our minds are God and that we each create our own realities in our heads. Maybe we're only really awake when we're sleeping. Maybe not ever.

I was in my Religious Studies discussion the other day and we were talking about the theory of evolution. I listened slightly to what people were saying, but then I started looking around the room and noticed that almost EVERYONE was itching, picking at a scab, tapping their feet, rubbing their legs or arms, or doing SOMETHING to their bodies. They reminded me of monkeys. They looked like monkeys picking at bugs in their fur. It was a really eery feeling, especially given the topic we were discussing.

Next, why do things sometimes fall the way they do? Like when you're just watching TV and a book falls off a shelf near you. And that book was set on that shelf over a year ago and you haven't touched it since. Was it moving extremely slightly during that entire year until it finally fell? Or was it something else? I had a paddle propped on my desk a couple months ago and it rested there silently for months and then one day it just slid off and knocked a bunch of things off with it. I hadn't touched the paddle or my desk.

Last thought...does anyone ever get a feeling that you're not alone? It's a really weird feeling that I get sometimes. I don't mean in the alien kind of way. I mean in the kind of way where you'll be brushing your teeth in the bathroom by yourself or sitting in your bedroom reading a book alone and your ears ring a little and for some reason you can almost feel something around you. It's really freaking weird. I feel like this happens to most poeple.

I think I'm going crazy.

Dream World

Some quotes I came across and like:

“I think psychedelics play a major part in what we do, but having said that, I feel that if somebody's going to experiment with those things they really need to educate themselves about them. People just taking the chemicals and diving in without having any kind of preparation about what they're about to experience tend to have no frame of reference, so they're missing everything flying by and all these new perspectives. It's just a waste. They reach a little bit of spiritual enlightenment, but they end up going, 'Well, now I need that drug to get back there again.' The trick is to use the drugs once to get there, and maybe spend the next ten years trying to get back there without the drug.”
-James Maynard Keenan

“See I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do, and if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor: go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes, and all your cds and burn 'em. 'Cause you know the musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years.... rrrrrrrrreal fuckin high on drugs.”
-Bill Hicks

"All that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream."
-Edgar Allan Poe

Little Creatures

I am taking a Religious Studies class this quarter and it is arguably my favorite class that I have ever taken at UCI. Anywho, we recently learned about the afterlife and the different perspectives that certain religions have on it. One that stood out to me is Hinduism's belief of reincarnation and the stages in between.

Basically, their followers believe in karma and that you can accumulate good karma throughout your life, but if you do bad things, then it will eventually come back to you when you die. If you accumulate enough "bad" karma, then you may go to hell for awhile to pay off your demerits and once you're done paying it off, you are reincarnated into a human again and you continue this cycle until you have enough good karma when you die that your spirit can be set free (sometimes this cycle takes thousands of years). I don't believe in that, but it sounds cool.

But the thing that stuck out to me was that for some people, instead of going to hell for a period to pay off your bad karma, they are reincarnated into a plant or animal. After living as one of those things for awhile, they become a human again.

This is a really long and probably unnecessary introduction for what I'm actually trying to get at, but that idea really struck me and reminded me of my own beliefs. The Hindu belief about being reincarnated into a plant or animal if you had a lot of bad karma basically assumes that being one of those things is equivalent to going to hell...that those beings are in some way lesser than human beings. I guess I can understand it since we have so much shit taking up space all over the planet that it seems easy to assume that humans are the ultimate species, but what about the things we don't see or take the time to explore? Our communities are large because we are, but what about an ant's community? Maybe they don't have iPhones and expensive clothing, but should those things really mark the success and worth of a community? Their home may be smaller than ours, but that doesn't mean it's less important. And that goes for any living creature. It makes me really sad sometimes how little consideration people have for insects, plants, and animals. We're all living creatures on this planet, but we think that we're dominant because we have fancy things. What if we didn't have all of the inventions that we do? Would we still think we were better? Do you think that an insect flying from leaf to leaf can be as happy as a human being?
I do.

Backwards

How can the Greek Community expect to move past the collective stereotypes and negative images when there are fraternities boothing on Ring Road with posters that say "[fraternity name] presents Blackout!" to advertise their upcoming "blacklight" party. Last year they made shirts that said "Blackout with [fraternity name]."
Good idea, now we all look like fools.

How do we define love?

I was randomly thinking about something today, and when it occurred to me, I wondered how I had never considered this idea in the past.

Why are we as people constantly searching for an eternal lover?
You know, that person we hope to one day find, marry, and be in love with forever?

I had always looked at this notion as the norm, hoping to one day find someone like that, start a family, the usual.

But if this concept is dependable, then why are more marriages ending in divorce rather than in adjacent tombstones? Are we striving for an ideal that is almost impossible to achieve? And yes, I know there are couples that have been together for a majority of their lives and can still be happy, but for most of us? Unheard of.

So why do we still strive to find just one ever-lasting love? What if we lived under the mentality that there isn't just one person for us out there? What if the goal was instead to just be happy, and to find love when you can, even if that means beginning the cycle again and again? Maybe we're too stuck on the idea of a soulmate/husband/wife, that we no longer can appreciate or feel comfortable having a multitude of serious lovers indefinitely. I think we are searching for stability, but shouldn't we be able to find that stability within ourselves to not need another person, but still be able to welcome their presence when/if they arrive?

And then I wonder about the way our society structures families. If people didn't marry, but just remained involved in a relationship until it soured, but still had children, then the concept of "family" would alter a bit, too. Though, nowadays most families are like this anyway. But it's interesting that society puts so much focus on the idea of a "family." What if it meant something different? Something less bonded to a small group of blood relatives, but more connected to everyone around you. I'm not sure if this part makes sense. I didn't really think about the family aspect until just now. It's weird to me because I'd barely questioned either of these things. It makes me wonder what other societal traditions I've solidified as "the norm" in my mind, but that don't necessarily need to be considered normal.

Sailing Away

I like to collect greeting cards. I think it's really interesting and cool how a few words tied to some graphics can speak bounds about certain topics...love, tragedy, celebrations, and everything in between. I remember a card I bought back in high school that had a haunting illustration of a ship at sea with the words "horizons change" on the front and "so do we" inscribed inside. It was my favorite card for awhile and I'm pretty sure I ended up giving it to my now ex-boyfriend for our anniversary or something (It didn't really have anything to do with our anniversary, but the card was special to me so I thought it would be better than a cheesy anniversary card, even though it seemed like a breakup card now that I think about it).

Anyway...I've been thinking a lot lately about myself and my surroundings and how drastically each of those things has changed in the past few years. My entire life and perspective have changed incredibly in the past 6-12 months. I try to ponder where the turning point was...what exactly made my views change on certain entities, people, and organizations. Usually I can pinpoint a moment or time when the fork in the road was born, but now I am not so sure. I'm not sad, maybe just a little confused. Actually, I am sad. Only because now I feel like I have to watch a lot of really great people go through the same experiences I have. Sometimes I wonder if they'll come out of it alive, wondering the same things I am. Or maybe they'll get caught too far into the riptide and drown. That's what scares me most. To me, everyone's drowning. To everyone else, they're just splashing around and I'm walking off a plank. Ah well, 6 more weeks and this will all be over (I hope).

What Next?

In the span of less than three months, five countries have been impacted by pretty severe earthquakes -- sometimes devastating. I'm not superstitious and I don't think that things happen for a "reason" necessarily, but a part of me feels like this is only the beginning and the universe has a lot more in store for us.

It's also pretty crazy that all of these natural disasters have been earthquakes. Seismologists must be working 'round the clock trying to figure all of this out. Maybe they knew the earthquakes were going to hit. But maybe they are just as puzzled as we are.

And we shrug at the idea that all of these 'quakes could soon become an overwhelming problem for the earth, but I'm sure the dinosaurs thought the same of the air when it first got a little chilly. At the time dinosaurs existed, people hadn't come into play yet, right? Maybe one day mankind will be wiped away, too, and in time a new being will sprout up like we did. Sounds silly, but is it really that far-fetched? I think we like to laugh at things sometimes because they seem less realistic that way. And maybe I'M being unrealistic, but I think this is all crazy interesting and I'm excited and a little bit nervous to see how things unfold. Maybe I'm reading too much into things. I do that a lot.

Maybe I'm a Ladybug

I hate mirrors.

I like to think of my life as a novel and of myself as the main character.
I was watching a movie on a computer the other day and after awhile, the screen went black like computers do when the mouse hasn't been moved in a bit. And instead of tapping the mouse to see the movie again, I listened and imagined the characters and the setting in my head. And I liked it better that way. It gave my mind room to create an entire story how I want to see it...the right editing, the perfect expressions, and a sense that the atmosphere is familiar because I made it myself. It felt more real to listen to it because I wasn't just staring, I was creating.

And that's how I see my own life a lot. I imagine myself as this character that does different things and I try to see myself from an outsider's perspective, a stranger, a friend. And when I look at myself from within, I imagine someone or something completely different. I am not a five-foot-nine female with brown eyes, a small gap in between two of her teeth, and a semi-pointy nose. I hate seeing myself that way in mirrors. It's almost always a little shocking to see my reflection. I like to imagine myself as anything that seems right at the time. And even when I look in the mirror and remember what my reflection looks like, it doesn't feel like me. It's like reading a good book and imagining what the character's features are in your head and then seeing a new cover a few years later with a painting of the character on the front and they look completely different than you expected. It takes away a lot of the mystery that I enjoy fabricating in my mind. And it's not specific features that I care about; it's not about being prettier or anything-er. It's just about seeing who I am and feeling weird that the mystery of imagination is gone. Perhaps that's why it's rare that you see yourself in your dreams. Your subconscious is giving you the ability to create yourself any way you like.


Sidenote: I bought a one-dollar air freshener and now my entire room smells like a teabag. Pretty good tradeoff from post-rat smell.

I love this job

I really love designing graphics in Photoshop. I used to do it a lot in middle school and high school, but after I got a Mac a couple years ago and never bought Photoshop to go with it, my love for graphic design has become stagnant. But now I get to use Photoshop for SPOP all the time and it's a nice outlet and reminder of something I love. Today, I was at the DOS office working on some stuff with Photoshop, and I started thinking about what criteria you need to meet to fit this SPOP position, since Photoshop skills were one of the last things I considered when I applied. And then I started thinking about all of the other things we've had to do so far and the projects that we're currently working on, and a lot of them are things I took for granted in the past or that I also didn't think of when I applied to be a Coordinator. I really enjoy each task, some are just different than I had assumed.

But then I started thinking about what actually WAS asked of us in our application and interview. Most of the questions tried to gain an understanding of who I am as a person, rather than how punctual I am, what experience I have, and other things that employers often ask of prospective candidates to see how good of a worker they are instead of how good of a person. After thinking about that for a second, it made me really grateful that all of these assignments and duties get pushed on us, but with confidence that we are capable of doing them. The thought of five students planning and implementing a program for 130 staffers and over 4,000 freshmen is crazy. The faith that Mike and Jill have in the Coordinators each year really blows me away. I'm not sure anyone has believed in me right off the bat the way they do. It just really means a lot to know that we could have all been hired with zero Photoshop skills or talents in other areas that we utilize...and that would be OK. I remember asking Mike awhile back if there was some sort of training for this position. He smirked a little and said that there could never really be any training to be a SPOP Coordinator, and that you learn more about the position everyday. Even when you're done, you probably won't know everything there is to know.

damn...

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you realize once again that you have no idea what you want to do with your life.

I'm bad at that -- making important decisions that will impact me forever. I like to take things each day with few plans, just kind of being able to see where things take me. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to decide, to figure out your place, your contribution to society, the legacy that you'll leave behind. Maybe I'm less concerned with leaving a mark on the world or making my name something to remember. I want to take one small step at a time, breathe in everything around me, and do things everyday that are new and majestic. I can't imagine being tied down to a career forever. Who creates these standards? Why do we keep following them?

And it's scaring me now that I only have about a year of college left and once that year is over...nothing. That's the point where I'm supposed to pick what I'm going to begin doing forever, or at least for a little while. I don't think grad school is the best idea when you don't have any ideas. I wish there was never this pressure to find one thing and stick with it. Wouldn't we all be happier doing a medley of things that surprise us? That are fresh and that we have the ability to learn from everyday?

Oh the memories

When I was at work the other day, I got a short whiff of something that smelled very nostalgic and familiar, but I couldn't place it. I just smelled it again at my house and it seems like the fusion of cigarette smoke, weed, and mustiness. I can place it now -- it reminds me of going to shows in high school. Oh, the memories. I love scents, they remind me of so many things.

Connection!

So I got a tattoo on my wrist a few days ago of an infinity symbol. The basic meaning is that everything in the world is connected and that we are intertwined with everything around us and that we should love everything in our path because it is essentially a part of our own being and if we are not loving everything around us, then we are also not loving ourselves.

I really love this tattoo, but since I've gotten it, a lot of people have curiously asked me if I feel I'll ever get sick of it since it's in a place that I will notice every day for the rest of my life. I never thought I would get sick of it before, but hoped that their questions wouldn't eventually change my mind.

Last week, the day before I got my tattoo, I got an e-mail from Mesa Court saying that I was not selected to be an RA for next year. At first, as I read the e-mail, I was disappointed and sad. But then I looked up to see Carlos Lopez sitting across from me, and soon the other SPOP Coordinators filed into the room so that we could finish our final touches on staff selection. I was sad that I didn't get RA, but looking up to see the amazing people surrounding me was a beautiful reminder of everything I've had the honor of participating in at UCI. As much as I had wanted to be an RA, I was very content with their decision to decline me. Also, some of my close friends that applied were selected and it didn't make me jealous, it made me really proud and excited for them. It felt like the next legacy of UCI students were taking the reigns and I was just as happy watching as I had been participating. I didn't get it, but it was OK.

But here's where it all ties together...
After many hours of paper writing, I went home to take a short nap before waking up to do it all again. I woke up to a phone call (which came at an opportune time as I'd slept an hour past my alarm) from a woman named Leticia. Her name and voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "I'm calling on behalf of Mesa Court housing" she said. Holy shit. I instantly remembered her checking me in during my interview. She was warm and seemed sincere when I met her. "We had a few people decline our RA offer," she said. "Since you were an alternate..." almost there... "we wanted to offer you a position with us next year in Mesa Court." WAHHH!

Almost instantly, I felt the universe all around me. I was glad that my tattoo was on my wrist...that I'd see it everyday and remember this connection. That if you are good, good will be returned to you. I truly believe that the universe was testing me. It wanted to see how I would react to being declined, to seeing each of my friends receive a position but not be offered one myself. I will never take this position for granted. AHHH I am so excited!

Have a nice day to whoever's reading!

Memo to Self

For years I've wanted to start a website, mainly for myself but also for anyone that wants to take a gander. But the website would consist of anything I thought was important, beautiful, and worth including. And for years I've toiled with what it should consist of...purely writing, photography, videos, art? I always wanted the site to basically be my soul expressed as best as I possibly could, and now I'm realizing that in order to do that, it shouldn't be narrowed to anything specific. It should be messy and sporadic, but meaningful. I'm finally at the point where I want to and can make it. It might sound like a small idea or feat, but to me, it's something that's been resonating with me for awhile...just a way to compile everything that means anything to me in the world...and a medium to express all art forms that I admire. It would be like a diary, but not discrete or chronological. More like a diary of how my spirit would speak if it had a language. Yes!
Time to study...final in 21 minutes! :)

Speak

Tonight as I was eating dinner, I sat down in the living room to stare at the TV for a few minutes as I ate. I didn't bother to change the channel, and the show that was playing had something to do with weddings (which, by the way, play almost nonstop in my house...). But at first I thought the show was funny because it picked apart weird things that people do at their weddings or funny things that happened. But then there was a couple that had their wedding at a cemetery and the bride wore a black dress, among other "gothic" aspects to their big day. And the comedians and satirists on the show were just ripping this couple apart. And it made me really sad. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm sad because of what they're saying, or because for a second, I was saying those things in my head, too, before I caught myself and realized how ridiculous it is for me to dictate other people's lives based on my own ideas. I wish it was more of a standard for people to be and do whatever they want, without fear or social restrictions of being labeled as different in some way.

On another note, I am trying to smile at everyone that I walk past for the rest of the week. I usually do anyway, but not to this extent. Hopefully I don't forget or feel awkward. I always feel warm and happy when a random person smiles at me as they walk by.

Random things that pop in my head

Weird Thought #1: I love the feeling when you're eating something that could potentially be messy, like a sandwich with many toppings, but trying to eat it without making a mess and then it starts dripping on your fingers and it seems like a lost cause so you just decide to not worry about the messiness of it and you just eat it without caring that it's all over your hands. During that quick transition, I feel a slight spark of excitement, thinking about not caring and how cool it would be if we never had to care about things like that.

Weird Thought #2: Have you ever felt like you're watching yourself? Like when you look in the mirror or when you do certain things, it feels like a movie and it feels like you're not controlling your moves but instead your just watching them? Like on certain video games where you have the option of viewing from the player's eyes or viewing the screen so you can watch your player move around...like that.

Weird Thought #3: Often times, whenever I'm near mirrors, I get nervous right before I look into one because I'm a little bit afraid that I'll look in the mirror and it will be a different person looking back at me. As if my mind switched bodies or something. It actually makes me kind of scared just thinking about it.

Weird Thought #4: As I was writing this, I realized that I might have a final tomorrow that I completely forgot about. But then I checked my calendar and it's not 'til Thurday. But the feeling I got right when I realized that it could be tomorrow was nuts! It's weird that something I reason and understand in my mind can make my body feel so emotional or nervous for a split second, like that feeling it gives you when you think you have a test tomorrow. I wonder why we get those feelings...if it actually is biological and your brain is just sending certain cells down your body that make you jump a little...or if you actually have a soul that can feel and turn your thoughts into things that can be felt. I'm not sure if this makes sense.

I had a #5 but I'm too tired to write it.

Good night!

Splish Splash

One of my bosses is a woman named Saba. She is very proper, very timely, very organized, and always has a fixed expression that makes her seem much older than her twenty-something age. I feel slightly tense whenever I talk to her. I try to make little jokes or act awkward around her at an attempt to get her to laugh, to allow me to see a little glimpse into her heart before she covers it back up with her task-oriented walls and business-like demeanor. But, today as I was driving through the rainy streets, I remembered something she had once told me -- that she loves accelerating and flying through puddles. I can recall when she mentioned that to me, it caught me off guard. Here was a woman who at times seemed almost robotic, but for a few seconds I saw the wilderness in her -- her hunger for excitement. I don't know why I bothered posting this, but it was one of those times where I had built up a vision of who someone is and then another variable lurks into the equation, only for a second, and changes my entire perspective. I sometimes imagine her approaching a puddle of water and, with a half smirk on her face, shoving her foot on the pedal and quickly breathing in a little bit of ecstasy.

Crossroads

Imagine you are a part of something that you once loved, but no longer see the beauty or purpose in. That either the good has been washed away from it, or that your eyes are more clear now and you see the negativity and bad that you were naive to before. What would you do? Would you quit? Would you pull through until it was over? What if you had a choice and you could walk away from it forever? What if walking away meant losing friends and hurting a lot of people? What if walking away had equal potential of being one of the worst or best decisions you have ever made?

Would you do it?

Lucid Dreams

I was talking to one of my friends just now about dreams and she told me about something called lucid dreaming. Basically, you know how when your dreaming, you're usually just kind of there and all of these things are happening around you/to you, but you are not an active participant and can't control them? In a lucid dream, you can control the entire thing. Can you imagine?! Living in a world where you can control your whole life, the surroundings, etc. And I also think it's weird that when we wake up, we forget our dreams almost immediately. It's like we're not supposed to know that another world exists.
My friend and I briefly talked about how to get to that point where you can control your dreams and she said that if you poke your hand repeatedly through out the day over and over again, many times in a row, then you'll do that in your dream and realize that you did that in our world and realize you're in a dream and can do anything. I'm going to do more research but just the thought of this makes me extremely eager and excited for some reason. I've always loved dreams and this makes me love them sooo much more ahhhhhhh does this even make sense?

Reassurance

I am the manager of a Gelato store in Fashion Island. The pay is pretty good for the amount of work it entails, the hours are ridiculously flexible, and the people I work with are pretty cool, but I have worked here for about 4.5 years and I'm starting to get sick of the monotony of it.

Anyway, I am currently working with one other girl, Natalie, and asked her if she enjoyed working here. She said yes, and that compared to her other jobs it's really fun and the people are cool. I agree. Then I asked her if she ever feels like her work here has little purpose. And her answer to that question was something I'd always thought, but never knew if other really felt the same impact of it. She said that even though it's small deeds, we have the opportunity to make someone's day every time we serve them. And that just being nice and attentive truly makes people feel appreciated. She said that she knows this because her day perks up whenever customers are extra nice or sincere to her. I totally agree and I think that's what I needed to remind myself that be it small, I am not wasting my time here. Maybe I don't see the concrete results or know if I'm making an impact, but sometimes you just have to believe that you're doing good.

I love working with intuitive and smart people.

Energy

A quick thought:

By now, I have done 15 SPOP interviews, with each one being vastly different than the others. But during each interview, I notice different things about the individuals, but also the group dynamic. Sometimes, people I personally know that are bubbly and great and interesting, will appear bored, more nervous, and awkward in their interview. For a while, it made me question why that was. But now I've noticed that it largely has to do with the group that each individual is put in -- the other people in their interview. If the majority of the group is energetic and excited, then everyone else seems to perk up more, too. The energy is contagious. If not, then the interview is pretty drab and routine -- there doesn't seem to be much life in it.

I guess this thought stood out to me the most because it reminded me about how each person in our lives has a profound impact on who we allow ourselves to become. If our friends are restraining, then we are restrained. If they choose to be free and open, then we feel safe following suit. My point here is that our lives are created by a little piece of everyone we know. It's like all of our friends, acquaintances, co-workers, bosses, etc toss a tiny ingredient of themselves into a giant bowl of you.

In order to be happy, passionate, wise, anything...we must surround ourselves with people that constantly exhibit those beautiful traits.

A Burst of Energy

Very busy week. Just needed to write for a second to let it out so I can begin my homework and studying.

Hokay, sooo I'm doing SPOP interviews for the next 3-4 weeks (ho.ly.shit). More than 600 people applied, meaning we are each going to be doing somewhere around 60 hours of interviewing, not including the actual selection of staff. And this is on top of working 20 hours a week at my job, being a Vice President in my sorority, being on Panhellenic, and trying to get above a 3.5 this quarter.

And yet, rather than feeling drained, nervous, or worried, I am excited. Excited, because I get to work with 4 other people that feel excited instead of drained, nervous, or worried.

Excited because I am being mentored by mike knox and Jill Halvaks, two people I have immense respect for and constantly feel inspired just to be around.

Excited because every time I walk to the interview room and see someone sitting outside, waiting to be let in for their interview, I imagine myself saying hi to them now, and then giving them a giant hug in 6 weeks at our first training, after they made it on staff.

Excited because sometimes you'll meet a person in an interview that is perfect for SPOP and I am so overjoyed at the thought of being surrounded by 130 people like that, and watching them each grow into something even more beautiful.

Excited to quit my job in four and a half months to work full time for something that I have cared about since my freshman year.

Excited to soon make 130 nametags for each staffer and probably pausing at each one to reflect on how proud I am of them and how moving SPOP will be in their life.

I've only done five interviews so far, so if you see me next week or the week after and I seem worn out, remind me how I pinched myself the morning after I found out I was accepted as a Coordinator because I didn't feel like it was real. Don't let me take this for granted. Remind me that it is real and that I love it. I really do. I hope I never forget that.

Can't fight the feeling

A few of my friends have mentioned seeing beautiful rainbows today. I've looked, but haven't seen one -- kind of disappointing since rainbows are one of my favorite things, ever. But maybe that's the point, just to know that something beautiful exists, even when you can't see it.

Contemplative

Not sure what it is, but these past few days I've felt very "contemplative." I put that in quotations because I feel like it used to be a "mood" option on Myspace so it doesn't seem like a real mood to me anymore. I don't know what it is...maybe it's that SPOP apps came out yesterday and the thought of soon meeting hundreds of amazing people and choosing a staff of less than 150 has me nervous, questioning how intuitive my judgment really is. Or maybe it's the MLK Jr. symposium that's been going on this week -- reminding me that my peers and I have so much work to do in our world and for each other and forcing me to re-evaluate my whiteness and what that means to me and the people around me. And if it's not those, maybe it's my constant inner battle with being in the greek community, knowing that I have strong morals and values, but typically being too afraid to wear anything greek affiliated for fear of being instantly labeled and shoved into a mess of crappy stereotypes. If not those, maybe it's the fact that I'm applying to be an RA and I want the position so so badly, but realize how competitive it is and can only hope I can convey my passion for mentoring freshmen through an application/potential interview. Not that? Maybe it's how god damn much I think about things. Like when I see someone open a door for them-self but not look behind them to see if anyone is soon to follow so that they can hold the door open a little longer for the person right behind them instead of slamming the door in their face. I notice little things that people do, good and bad, every day, and it swells my brain thinking about why they do certain things, and if they care.

Some things on my mind right now that are bugging me out of the blue that I need to write down:

1. I heard someone refer to their friend as their "gay best friend" recently. The person that said it was one of my closest friends and it irked me so much but I didn't know what to say. I'm annoyed by that phrase because it makes them seem like less of a friend and more of a commodity, and mad at myself for not saying anything.

2. I HATE when women in sororities use the saying "panhellenic love" to describe being friends with women in other sororities. First of all, it's sad and pathetic that such a phrase has to exist. If we all loved each other in the first place, it'd just be real love. It's like "gay best friend," it turns a real world like love or best friend into something materialistic and stupid. Love should be love, there aren't variations of it.

3. The fact that I don't really know where I stand with race. Not that I don't know how I feel about people of other races -- I love them, that's not my point. I mean that I don't know my purpose with it. I've been taking a lot more classes and going to a lot more things as of late that have to do with race and the subjugation of certain races...pretty much everyone except white people. And I keep hearing that the worst thing white people can do is sit back and do nothing and I don't know where I stand. I'm trying to educate myself about everything, but do people think that I'm just sitting back? Maybe they do. That scares me.

It is at this point in my post that I would normally re-read everything I just wrote and then promptly erase it all, like I never said it. I'm not going to re-read it this time.

A Very Small View On Religion

I have a lot of different ways that I view religion. This is one of them.

One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say things along the lines of "hoping that God has something good in store for me" or that they are thankful for all that God has given them. Personally, I do not really believe that there is a God, which is maybe why this statement perturbs me, but I don't think that's why. If people want to believe in God then that's fine. I like that God can give people hope sometimes. But the aspect that I mentioned above leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I feel that sometimes people attribute their success to God, or if they are failing, they hope that God has something good coming up for them. I don't agree with that. To me, God has nothing to do with what happens in your life. If YOU want to succeed, then fight for what you care about, constantly strive to be better, put yourself out there, DO IT. And if you fail, don't expect that God is going to turn things around for you. It's all in YOUR mindset. Don't leave it up to someone else. If things in your life are not ideal, then make them ideal.

I think this is really frustrating to me because I strongly believe that your happiness and success is reliant on how happy and successful you CHOOSE to be. Nearly everyone is a bottomless pit of potential, but most people choose to waste it or to be unhappy about things when instead they could focus on the bright parts of life. The problem I mentioned earlier aligns with the fact that I feel like people sometimes put too much faith in God, hoping that God will bring them success and happiness, rather than bringing it upon themselves.

And a small disclaimer: While I have many qualms with religion, I do appreciate some of the morals it teaches and the hope it can give to people. If you disagree with me, I hope you can see from my perspective.

Innocence

Tonight, I was babysitting my five-year-old sister and we were playing with this cupcake set she got for Christmas where you can decorate fake cupcakes with dry-erase markers and fake candles that stick on top with velcro. When we were done decorating, I pretended to blow out my candle and she told me to make a wish, so I did. She stared at me for a second and asked me what my wish was. I told her with a smile that I couldn't say because then it wouldn't come true but she kept prodding so I told her that I had wished that she always be happy, even when life makes her sad. She smiled and said, "I AM always happy, so your wish came true!"

For a second, it made my eyes water a little. And thinking about it now, they do again. And still, I can't quite tell why that is. Is it because I'm glad she's happy and that I want to believe that she always will be? Or is it because I know that sometimes she will be sad, and I won't be able to help her...and that she's too young and innocent to realize that. Definitely the latter.

I have definitely grown to love my sister, and I don't feel bad saying it like that, that it took time. It was a shock at first to have this new thing that was 15 years younger than me floating around, asking questions, crawling, walking, living. But now that she's a little older, I can't help but love and appreciate her purity, innocence, and love of life. It makes me sad to look at her sometimes. Now, she's so full of happiness and curiosity, and I fear that over time she'll decay and wither like almost everyone else. And maybe what I fear most is that if she does reach that stage at some point, I won't even know the difference. By then, I'll have forgotten how she was as a child that enjoyed decorating fake cupcakes and talking about words she couldn't spell. Maybe I'll have decayed, too.

Before I tucked her in, we read some books in her bed. One was about a girl that was teased because her favorite color was pink, but black was "in" (these books are written for five-year-olds so the symbolism is not what you would call "vivid"). Basically, the pink-loving-girl went through a depressed outcast stage and then found a girl that liked the color purple and they became friends and realized she doesn't have to like the color black to be happy. I tried to describe the moral to my sister, London, telling her to remember this story if she gets teased at school or ever feels alone. She responded by saying, "I don't get teased at school" and I responded back with, "well, maybe in the future you will." And she said, "no I won't." And that was that.

Sometimes her innocence is frustrating, most of the time, it's eye-opening. I hope she remembers these moments one day. I hope she's always happy. Even when she's not.