damn...

Just when you think you've got it all figured out, you realize once again that you have no idea what you want to do with your life.

I'm bad at that -- making important decisions that will impact me forever. I like to take things each day with few plans, just kind of being able to see where things take me. I feel like there's a lot of pressure to decide, to figure out your place, your contribution to society, the legacy that you'll leave behind. Maybe I'm less concerned with leaving a mark on the world or making my name something to remember. I want to take one small step at a time, breathe in everything around me, and do things everyday that are new and majestic. I can't imagine being tied down to a career forever. Who creates these standards? Why do we keep following them?

And it's scaring me now that I only have about a year of college left and once that year is over...nothing. That's the point where I'm supposed to pick what I'm going to begin doing forever, or at least for a little while. I don't think grad school is the best idea when you don't have any ideas. I wish there was never this pressure to find one thing and stick with it. Wouldn't we all be happier doing a medley of things that surprise us? That are fresh and that we have the ability to learn from everyday?

Oh the memories

When I was at work the other day, I got a short whiff of something that smelled very nostalgic and familiar, but I couldn't place it. I just smelled it again at my house and it seems like the fusion of cigarette smoke, weed, and mustiness. I can place it now -- it reminds me of going to shows in high school. Oh, the memories. I love scents, they remind me of so many things.

Connection!

So I got a tattoo on my wrist a few days ago of an infinity symbol. The basic meaning is that everything in the world is connected and that we are intertwined with everything around us and that we should love everything in our path because it is essentially a part of our own being and if we are not loving everything around us, then we are also not loving ourselves.

I really love this tattoo, but since I've gotten it, a lot of people have curiously asked me if I feel I'll ever get sick of it since it's in a place that I will notice every day for the rest of my life. I never thought I would get sick of it before, but hoped that their questions wouldn't eventually change my mind.

Last week, the day before I got my tattoo, I got an e-mail from Mesa Court saying that I was not selected to be an RA for next year. At first, as I read the e-mail, I was disappointed and sad. But then I looked up to see Carlos Lopez sitting across from me, and soon the other SPOP Coordinators filed into the room so that we could finish our final touches on staff selection. I was sad that I didn't get RA, but looking up to see the amazing people surrounding me was a beautiful reminder of everything I've had the honor of participating in at UCI. As much as I had wanted to be an RA, I was very content with their decision to decline me. Also, some of my close friends that applied were selected and it didn't make me jealous, it made me really proud and excited for them. It felt like the next legacy of UCI students were taking the reigns and I was just as happy watching as I had been participating. I didn't get it, but it was OK.

But here's where it all ties together...
After many hours of paper writing, I went home to take a short nap before waking up to do it all again. I woke up to a phone call (which came at an opportune time as I'd slept an hour past my alarm) from a woman named Leticia. Her name and voice sounded familiar, but I couldn't quite place it. "I'm calling on behalf of Mesa Court housing" she said. Holy shit. I instantly remembered her checking me in during my interview. She was warm and seemed sincere when I met her. "We had a few people decline our RA offer," she said. "Since you were an alternate..." almost there... "we wanted to offer you a position with us next year in Mesa Court." WAHHH!

Almost instantly, I felt the universe all around me. I was glad that my tattoo was on my wrist...that I'd see it everyday and remember this connection. That if you are good, good will be returned to you. I truly believe that the universe was testing me. It wanted to see how I would react to being declined, to seeing each of my friends receive a position but not be offered one myself. I will never take this position for granted. AHHH I am so excited!

Have a nice day to whoever's reading!

Memo to Self

For years I've wanted to start a website, mainly for myself but also for anyone that wants to take a gander. But the website would consist of anything I thought was important, beautiful, and worth including. And for years I've toiled with what it should consist of...purely writing, photography, videos, art? I always wanted the site to basically be my soul expressed as best as I possibly could, and now I'm realizing that in order to do that, it shouldn't be narrowed to anything specific. It should be messy and sporadic, but meaningful. I'm finally at the point where I want to and can make it. It might sound like a small idea or feat, but to me, it's something that's been resonating with me for awhile...just a way to compile everything that means anything to me in the world...and a medium to express all art forms that I admire. It would be like a diary, but not discrete or chronological. More like a diary of how my spirit would speak if it had a language. Yes!
Time to study...final in 21 minutes! :)

Speak

Tonight as I was eating dinner, I sat down in the living room to stare at the TV for a few minutes as I ate. I didn't bother to change the channel, and the show that was playing had something to do with weddings (which, by the way, play almost nonstop in my house...). But at first I thought the show was funny because it picked apart weird things that people do at their weddings or funny things that happened. But then there was a couple that had their wedding at a cemetery and the bride wore a black dress, among other "gothic" aspects to their big day. And the comedians and satirists on the show were just ripping this couple apart. And it made me really sad. Sometimes I can't tell if I'm sad because of what they're saying, or because for a second, I was saying those things in my head, too, before I caught myself and realized how ridiculous it is for me to dictate other people's lives based on my own ideas. I wish it was more of a standard for people to be and do whatever they want, without fear or social restrictions of being labeled as different in some way.

On another note, I am trying to smile at everyone that I walk past for the rest of the week. I usually do anyway, but not to this extent. Hopefully I don't forget or feel awkward. I always feel warm and happy when a random person smiles at me as they walk by.

Random things that pop in my head

Weird Thought #1: I love the feeling when you're eating something that could potentially be messy, like a sandwich with many toppings, but trying to eat it without making a mess and then it starts dripping on your fingers and it seems like a lost cause so you just decide to not worry about the messiness of it and you just eat it without caring that it's all over your hands. During that quick transition, I feel a slight spark of excitement, thinking about not caring and how cool it would be if we never had to care about things like that.

Weird Thought #2: Have you ever felt like you're watching yourself? Like when you look in the mirror or when you do certain things, it feels like a movie and it feels like you're not controlling your moves but instead your just watching them? Like on certain video games where you have the option of viewing from the player's eyes or viewing the screen so you can watch your player move around...like that.

Weird Thought #3: Often times, whenever I'm near mirrors, I get nervous right before I look into one because I'm a little bit afraid that I'll look in the mirror and it will be a different person looking back at me. As if my mind switched bodies or something. It actually makes me kind of scared just thinking about it.

Weird Thought #4: As I was writing this, I realized that I might have a final tomorrow that I completely forgot about. But then I checked my calendar and it's not 'til Thurday. But the feeling I got right when I realized that it could be tomorrow was nuts! It's weird that something I reason and understand in my mind can make my body feel so emotional or nervous for a split second, like that feeling it gives you when you think you have a test tomorrow. I wonder why we get those feelings...if it actually is biological and your brain is just sending certain cells down your body that make you jump a little...or if you actually have a soul that can feel and turn your thoughts into things that can be felt. I'm not sure if this makes sense.

I had a #5 but I'm too tired to write it.

Good night!

Splish Splash

One of my bosses is a woman named Saba. She is very proper, very timely, very organized, and always has a fixed expression that makes her seem much older than her twenty-something age. I feel slightly tense whenever I talk to her. I try to make little jokes or act awkward around her at an attempt to get her to laugh, to allow me to see a little glimpse into her heart before she covers it back up with her task-oriented walls and business-like demeanor. But, today as I was driving through the rainy streets, I remembered something she had once told me -- that she loves accelerating and flying through puddles. I can recall when she mentioned that to me, it caught me off guard. Here was a woman who at times seemed almost robotic, but for a few seconds I saw the wilderness in her -- her hunger for excitement. I don't know why I bothered posting this, but it was one of those times where I had built up a vision of who someone is and then another variable lurks into the equation, only for a second, and changes my entire perspective. I sometimes imagine her approaching a puddle of water and, with a half smirk on her face, shoving her foot on the pedal and quickly breathing in a little bit of ecstasy.