Maybe I'm a Ladybug

I hate mirrors.

I like to think of my life as a novel and of myself as the main character.
I was watching a movie on a computer the other day and after awhile, the screen went black like computers do when the mouse hasn't been moved in a bit. And instead of tapping the mouse to see the movie again, I listened and imagined the characters and the setting in my head. And I liked it better that way. It gave my mind room to create an entire story how I want to see it...the right editing, the perfect expressions, and a sense that the atmosphere is familiar because I made it myself. It felt more real to listen to it because I wasn't just staring, I was creating.

And that's how I see my own life a lot. I imagine myself as this character that does different things and I try to see myself from an outsider's perspective, a stranger, a friend. And when I look at myself from within, I imagine someone or something completely different. I am not a five-foot-nine female with brown eyes, a small gap in between two of her teeth, and a semi-pointy nose. I hate seeing myself that way in mirrors. It's almost always a little shocking to see my reflection. I like to imagine myself as anything that seems right at the time. And even when I look in the mirror and remember what my reflection looks like, it doesn't feel like me. It's like reading a good book and imagining what the character's features are in your head and then seeing a new cover a few years later with a painting of the character on the front and they look completely different than you expected. It takes away a lot of the mystery that I enjoy fabricating in my mind. And it's not specific features that I care about; it's not about being prettier or anything-er. It's just about seeing who I am and feeling weird that the mystery of imagination is gone. Perhaps that's why it's rare that you see yourself in your dreams. Your subconscious is giving you the ability to create yourself any way you like.


Sidenote: I bought a one-dollar air freshener and now my entire room smells like a teabag. Pretty good tradeoff from post-rat smell.